


Impassive

by missymisery



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Denial, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, evan kills himself after he tells the murphys he lied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 04:50:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14887976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missymisery/pseuds/missymisery
Summary: Evan's dead. Jared is not.This leads to a whole series of complications.





	Impassive

**Author's Note:**

> WOW can you believe i actually finished something?? wow me too  
> this is lowkey garbage but im posting this anyway bc i kinda like it and i spent four hours of my life on this so take it

 

 

In the wake of Evan Hansen’s death, Jared was alone.

 

It’s not like anyone noticed, nor did he care.

 

If he were being honest (and lord knows Jared never is), he didn’t know what to feel about the whole thing.

 

Everyone thought it was tragic, for Connor Murphy’s supposed best friend following in his footsteps. Didn’t even leave a note, Heidi had said at some point, or at least Jared thought she did, but honestly his memory seemed to mesh together as of late that he wasn’t sure of what was real anymore.

 

He hadn’t been sure of that for the longest time.

 

Clearly though, he didn’t react. He did his routine as normal, because Evan might be dead, but life goes on. He thought it was a waste of time to even bother thinking about it. Nothing’s going to fucking change if he pretended to care, anyway. It’s not like he ever did. He’s spoken to Evan a couple times, most out of necessity and basic social conduct as their status of being family friends, but that was it. His death shouldn’t affect Jared. And it _didn’t_. 

 

Alana was quick to take advantage of the situation, however, averting the Murphy crisis and bringing to everyone’s attention the toll the Connor Project took on Evan. Jared rolled his eyes at that. Yeah, it’s almost as if Jared hadn’t asked Evan if he could help on multiple occasions. It was most certainly not the workload, he wanted to scream at her, but it was most fucking probably the guilt over lying to the Murphy’s that killed him  _you dense fuck_.

 

Alana was too nice for that, though, so he kept his mouth shut and let her fix the mess she made.

 

At the funeral, which he attended despite not really caring, because he was an asshole not a _monster_ , he noticed Zoe was there.

 

She wasn’t crying, like he had expected, but she had this look on her face.

 

She totally knew.

 

For the remainder of the funeral he was sure she was staring at him the whole time, odd look on her face, almost like concern. He avoided her, because the last thing he needs is a talk from Evan’s ex-girlfriend about dealing with grief. He wasn’t mourning. He didn’t care about Evan and Evan didn’t care about him.

 

(He tried to ignore the ache in his chest at that.)

 

Alana cornered him in school one day.

 

“Are you okay?” She asked, brows furrowed, lips curled into a frown. The perfect image of a concerned girl. He idly wondered if Alana practiced expressions in the mirror to seem more genuine.

 

“I’m fine,” He replied, because that was the truth.

 

“Are you sure?” She asked again, and Jared nearly rolled his eyes at that, but he had to be more understanding, because Alana clearly expected him to be upset.

 

“Yes, Alana, _jeez_ ,” He said, annoyed. “I’m fine, okay? I gotta get to class.” He pushed past her, leaving the weight of her stare behind his back as he hurried to his next class, trying to shake away whatever the fuck it was he was feeling because _ it wasn’t grief_.

 

He eats lunch alone and he tries not to think about how quiet it was without Evan’s voice rambling and their banter. Halfway through eating he feels sick to his stomach and he has to stop before he pukes out everything he’s eaten.

 

(He doesn’t eat for the next few days because it makes him feel gross.)

 

At some point, he finds solace in a razor.

 

Nothing to do with Evan, he swears, digging at his skin with the sharp blade until he draws blood.

 

He barely feels it, but then again he barely feels anything as of late.

 

He was a bit detached, he thinks, staring at the ceiling as he lay in bed, the cold air leaving him chilled. It pricked at his skin, leaving him shivering and desperate for a blanket but a part of him whispered he didn’t deserve it so he stays still, body shaking from the cold. Even if he wrapped himself in his blanket he’d still feel cold. He always did. 

 

He felt numb most of the time.

 

Nothing felt real. That was it. But that had nothing to do with Evan. Nothing at all.

 

The guilt gnawing at him wasn’t related to Evan. 

 

The regret wasn’t either.

 

(The lines across his arms pile up and he figures he can still wear sweaters at this time of the year, so he does and barely anyone notices.)

 

Alana stopped bothering him after he made it clear he wasn’t going to pour his heart out to her like she expected. 

 

He wonders if she hated him over not caring about Evan’s death.

 

He hates himself for that, too.

 

He wonders if she’d hate him for what he was going to do.

 

Probably not. Probably exploit his death for her college applications, all things considered.

 

Whatever. He didn’t care.

 

He got in his car, because Evan and Connor already took pills and falling so Jared had to be more original with his death, and he honestly wasn’t sure if he wanted people to know it was a suicide so he decided on car, because that way people can just rule it out as a car crash. Besides, he was always a reckless driver. They’ll just think that _finally_ , Jared Kleinman died of a car crash like everyone thought he would. He turned on the engine, pulling out of his driveway and driving aimlessly, going faster and faster with each second.

 

He nearly runs Alana over when she ran in front of his car, his foot slamming on the brake once he snapped out of his stupor, stopping an inch away from her. She didn’t flinch, instead moving over to Jared’s door and opening it.

 

“Jared.”

  
He resisted the urge to groan. “What.”

 

“What are you doing?” She wasn’t asking. She demanded to know.

 

“Driving.”

 

“At that speed?” She simply stated, raising a brow. “Jared, I’m not stupid. Tell me what’s-”

 

She was reaching out for his shoulder but he jerks back, glaring at her. 

 

“ _Nothing is wrong_ ,” He hissed, gritting his teeth.

 

“Bull _shit_ , Jared,” She said, and this time Jared has to flinch because Alana never curses. “You’ve been acting weird lately and don’t think I haven’t noticed the long sleeves. Something’s wrong.”

  
  
“Yeah well, you’re absolutely fucking wrong about that because I’m _fine_ , okay?” He said. “Now leave me alone.”

  
  
“Jared why won’t you just talk to me?!” She yells, frustrated. “You’re in grief, yeah, and it _sucks_ , but that doesn’t give you an excuse to push me away and act like a kid when everything goes wrong! I’m trying to _help_ you and all you do is yell at me or ignore me! Jared just-”

 

Somehow, that makes him snap. 

 

“Help me?” He repeats, glaring at her. “Oh yeah sure, help me with something I couldn't give less of a shit about. I’m not fucking _grieving_ , Beck, because I don’t give a _shit_ about Evan Hansen and I never will! So maybe just stay the fuck out of my life and stop sticking your head in things you will _never_ understand.”

 

She stares at him, before snapping back. “But I do! He hurt me too!”

  
  
“Not in the way that he did to me.” He pulls the door shut and shifts the gear, moving the wheel and moving the car so Jared doesn’t hit Alana as he drove away.

 

He drives off and he could still feel the weight of her stare behind him.

 

Then it hits him.

 

Everything hits Jared all at once, everything that he’s built up and repeatedly ignored- his guilt, remorse, regret, anger- it hits him like a train, and a sob escapes his throat as his body shook, the lenses of his glasses fogging up with tears. 

 

Evan was dead.

 

Evan was dead.

 

_ Evan was dead. _

 

He was tempted to keep driving, to crash against a tree, to just die, but instead he slammed on the brake and kept sobbing, head buried in his hands as he bawled. 

 

He doesn’t know how long he sits there, weeping and loudly crying, but apparently it’s been a while because Alana gets there eventually and gets in his passenger seat.

 

She says nothing. Just stays there, listening to him cry.

 

He stops after five minutes, because crying with an audience makes him feel incredibly conscious and he was sure he looked awful (crying was never a flattering look, don’t let those disney films fool you) but if she thought so, she didn’t voice it.

 

“Jared,” She starts. “You have to tell me what’s wrong.”

 

“I know,” He says, leaning on his seat and taking a shaky breath. “I know.”

 

She doesn’t reply. 

 

He doesn’t talk either.

 

She keeps staring at him expectantly, as if she thought he was going to say something. So he opens his mouth, but he doesn’t know what to say, so he shuts it again.

 

“...it’s okay to miss him, you know,” She says after what feels like forever. “He hurt you, but it’s okay to miss him. Your feelings are valid, Jared. You don’t have to beat yourself up about it.”

 

Sounds like something she told Zoe. Repeatedly, considering her tone. 

 

He scoffed, albeit weakly. He felt drained. “Yeah, okay. Like I deserve to. We weren’t friends, Beck. We were barely even acquaintances.”

  
  
“I never got that impression,” Alana said. “Somehow you two never struck me as that. Your relationship always seemed to stem deeper.”

  
  
He rolled his eyes. “No, all we did was fight and call each other names.”

 

“Evan never seemed comfortable enough with anyone else to do that.”  


 

“He had Connor,” Jared said, despite knowing it was a weak argument especially since he knew it was a lie.

 

“We both know that isn’t true, Jared.”

 

He was quiet, not turning to look at her. She sighed, touching his arm lightly.   


 

“You don’t have to talk. We can just… forget this ever happened, if you want. But you have to realize none of this is your fault.”

 

“But it is,” Jared said. “I could’ve-”

 

“We all could’ve done something. But it happened. He’s gone. But you’re still here.”

 

Not for long, he thinks, but Alana seems to have read his mind because she says, “He wouldn’t want you to follow in his footsteps.”

 

“Yeah well he fucking _hated_ me,” Jared said. “So I think he’d be happy that his death is bringing at least one good thing.”

 

“You really think that?”

 

“Why wouldn’t I?”

 

Alana says nothing, biting her lip. He felt uneasy, because now she wasn’t looking at him, but elsewhere, clearly thinking.

 

“Everyone hates me,” He continued. “So I’d honestly be doing everyone a favor. It’s not like anyone cared to notice or check up on me when Evan died, so why would they care now?”

 

“I don’t hate you,” Alana said, looking up at him. “I- I’ve been checking on you! Regularly! But you always push me away before I could help!”

 

He just looks away.

 

Alana sighed. “I know I can’t fix this. Not immediately. But if you just… let me help you, maybe it’ll be better. Maybe there’s a tomorrow.”

 

He was quiet.  


 

“God, stop with the sappy emotional bullshit,” He groaned after a while, looking annoyed. She let out a giggle, before covering her mouth because that was inappropriate.

 

“Sorry I didn’t mean to laugh-”

 

He cut her off with his own laugh, loud, raw, and devoid of any real happiness. It was just… this whole thing was so fucking ridiculous. “I can’t believe this.”

  
  
She laughed nervously.

 

“Believe what?”

 

“That any of this _shit_ is happening,” He said. “Alana Beck’s giving me a fucking pep talk in my car after crying.”

 

“It’s not a pep talk,” She huffed. “I was comforting you.”  


 

“Same shit, Beck. Pep talk, comfort- what’s the difference?”

 

“Actually-”

 

“Rhetorical question. I don’t want to hear you ramble about that for a solid hour.”

 

To his surprise, she snorted at that, before laughing. “You’re right- I _do_ do that!”

 

Alana Beck’s humor will forever be a mystery to him.

 

He stares at her, before laughing again. “Holy shit you are _weird_.”

 

They continued that, a back and forth with Jared laughing because wow he had no idea what Alana just said and Alana genuinely thinks she was funny so she keeps saying more weird shit that has Jared laughing in complete and utter confusion.

 

It was… nice.

 

For the first time in ages, he felt light, like a weight in his chest has been lifted. 

  
  
When he got home that night, he didn’t think once about pulling the razor and adding another scar to the endless that littered his arms.

 

He lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling.

 

Things were far from better, definitely. But…

 

He almost felt hopeful.

 

The thought of that was nice.

 


End file.
